Quiet

I'm trying to embrace sitting still and being quiet. My roommate moved out about a month ago. I turned of the cable because I didn't want to pay for all of our utilities myself and I also thought it would be good for me to not have the TV running all the time. It's so quiet. I'm trying to learn that in the quiet God's voice can be heard. I find myself calling everyone I can so that I can find someone to have dinner with. I hate eating alone. I feel like I am a failure if I eat alone. Food is one of the things that binds people together. In eating alone and embracing the silence, I am forced to understand my Belovedness. Being alone and being quiet doesn't mean that I'm too much for people. I say that, but it is hard to believe it.

I love Henri Nouwen. He struggled with what I struggle with all the time. He once said, "As long as you remain blind to your own truth, you keep putting yourself down and referring to everyone else as better, holier, and more loved than you are. You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty, and love because you do not see any of these qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realizing that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet."

I have everything I need to stand on my own feet because of who I am in Christ.
I can embrace being alone.
I can embrace the quiet with full understanding of what the gospel says, that I am beloved.

Pouring Out

I wonder why in the world I decided to work for a non-profit. There is something so appealing about having a job where you don't have to worry about where your salary is coming from, it is okay to leave work at work and you are not emotionally drained at the end of each day.
So why do I do this? I have to remind myself how my cup overflows when Michael tells me that he misses me or when Katie tells me she loves me. These aren't grand gestures but they are a picture of a love that is unconditional. It's the unexpected hugs, baby steps of improvement and laughter that keeps me coming back.
I don't feel like I have any friends that are peers anymore. I feel as if I have alienated any friend I did have. It's difficult to pour into a new friendship or even to cultivate the friendships I already have when I am emotionally exhausted. I just don't know how to be real with my friends. I am terrified that I am a burden. Most days I just feel like I am in junior high and I am the dorky kid standing alone with their lunch tray waiting for someone to ask me to sit with them. I doubt that feeling will ever go away.