Quiet

I'm trying to embrace sitting still and being quiet. My roommate moved out about a month ago. I turned of the cable because I didn't want to pay for all of our utilities myself and I also thought it would be good for me to not have the TV running all the time. It's so quiet. I'm trying to learn that in the quiet God's voice can be heard. I find myself calling everyone I can so that I can find someone to have dinner with. I hate eating alone. I feel like I am a failure if I eat alone. Food is one of the things that binds people together. In eating alone and embracing the silence, I am forced to understand my Belovedness. Being alone and being quiet doesn't mean that I'm too much for people. I say that, but it is hard to believe it.

I love Henri Nouwen. He struggled with what I struggle with all the time. He once said, "As long as you remain blind to your own truth, you keep putting yourself down and referring to everyone else as better, holier, and more loved than you are. You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty, and love because you do not see any of these qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realizing that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet."

I have everything I need to stand on my own feet because of who I am in Christ.
I can embrace being alone.
I can embrace the quiet with full understanding of what the gospel says, that I am beloved.

Pouring Out

I wonder why in the world I decided to work for a non-profit. There is something so appealing about having a job where you don't have to worry about where your salary is coming from, it is okay to leave work at work and you are not emotionally drained at the end of each day.
So why do I do this? I have to remind myself how my cup overflows when Michael tells me that he misses me or when Katie tells me she loves me. These aren't grand gestures but they are a picture of a love that is unconditional. It's the unexpected hugs, baby steps of improvement and laughter that keeps me coming back.
I don't feel like I have any friends that are peers anymore. I feel as if I have alienated any friend I did have. It's difficult to pour into a new friendship or even to cultivate the friendships I already have when I am emotionally exhausted. I just don't know how to be real with my friends. I am terrified that I am a burden. Most days I just feel like I am in junior high and I am the dorky kid standing alone with their lunch tray waiting for someone to ask me to sit with them. I doubt that feeling will ever go away.

Moral of the Story

It’s frustrating to be in a place where you just don’t understand the point. There is a reason we aren’t omnicious. Obviously, or we would be God. Sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to know the ending. I know that’s my selfishness talking. I just want to understand where God is taking me and why? For what reason do specific things keep happening? How is that making me a more solid woman? The process of getting there can just be so hard. I wrote where I can see it every day a note that says,
“God is Good”. He is. Simple as that. God is good. Although, I get frustrated because I want to know the answers and want to understand, I also know that I have learned and I have grown. Looking back on some of my most trying times, I can see how God has used that. I need to remind myself of that. I want to know the moral of the story now. Eventually, I will. Making it to that point is what makes us stronger it's not in knowing what the ending is.

My Artist Statement

This show is a celebration. It is the celebration of ability and accomplishment. My desire is to show the individuality and uniqueness of each one of my friends. These pictures are representations of who each person is despite their disabilities. Each person’s story includes their disability, but it does not define who they are. My friends have taught me about strength and endurance. Many have overcome extreme adversity only to come out with smiles on their faces. None of my friends are perfect, anyone close to them will tell you that. Their imperfections are what make them unique. The families that have surrounded my friends have overcome just as many obstacles, if not more. They show me what love is and what it means to love unconditionally.
I have overcome my own adversity. Art has taught me about my own endurance. I have often wondered where art is going to take me. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that my heart is to encourage those who need someone to believe in them. Art has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. I am continually learning to silence my inner critic. I could not be someone who could encourage and believe in someone else if I could not believe in myself.
My own family has shown me what love is. Without them, I would not be here. They have been my constant among the chaos of school and my life. My family has always believed in me and been a support for all of my decisions. I could never have accomplished what I have if it was not for their reassurance and encouragement.
This show is my heart. I have achieved something I never thought possible-to take pictures and show everyone my love for people. So this show is not only about people with disabilities overcoming obstacles-its about all of us achieving what we never thought could be attained.

A Growing Process

Its amazing to think what has happened in my life in the past year. I am surprised by what I have survived. There were times when I didnt think I would. I have experienced more than I ever thought I could handle and yet I did. I often wondered, and sometimes still do, if God was punishing me. I just couldnt get my head above water. Every time I felt like things were going to be okay something drastic would happen. God broke me. I am learning what His grace is. Our punishment has already been taken. He brought me to a place where I had no where to go but to Him. People have often said that to me and sometimes it really pissed me off. I didnt want anyone to preach to me. I know all the answers. Intellectually, I know what the gospel is about. I can tell anyone about God's grace and mercy. Everyone deserved it but me. In my desperation, I had no where to turn. I tried to run but it didnt work. I got a tattoo almost three years ago that means Beloved and Worthy of Love. I got it because I wanted to believe that. Now I am starting to. I dont think that this is the end. God took me to a place where I had to trust Him. I am growing and maturing but it is a process.

Forgiveness

The weight of the holy requirement of perfect, unbroken love is more than any person, except Jesus Christ, can bear. Love silences explanation, penetrates escuses, and humbles the heart, preparing the heart to be captured by the gospel of grace. Utlimatly, repentance is a hungry, broken return to God.
Dan Allender

Im learning that forgiveness isnt a feeling. Who really ever wants to forgive? If you need to forgive someone it means that they have harmed you in some way. That never feels good. I dont think Jesus sat on the cross and had a wave of emotion that made him forgive us. It was a conscious effort. As much as I know that, I want it to be a feeling. I want to feel the warm fuzzies inside. I want to forgive and move on with my life. I want to have this grand epiphany that allows me to move past my hurt.
I think my grand epiphany is just that; forgiveness is my decision to move past my hurt only through grace. That grace will allow me to let go without any answers, without any closure and without any pride.